I’m Failing At Generosity

It’s better to give than to receive…right?

You and I know everyone benefits from generosity. Wisdom and experience substantiate the incredible joy that comes from giving with open hands.

Well, I’m trying to give something away. And failing miserably.

Every year FRONT RANGE FREEDOM TOUR team members carry a stone to the top of Raton Pass. Each stone bears an inscription, something its owner wishes to give to God and leave behind at the top of the mountain. We create a pile, an altar of sorts, as a symbol of our commitment to leave this particular burden behind.

For the last two years I’ve written “COMPARISON” on my stone. But I can’t seem to give away my nasty habit of comparing.

I started handcycling in 1999. In 18 years I’ve cranked 37,000 miles. For most of those miles I loved riding without comparing myself much to other cyclists. I sort of took for granted that I’d be the slowest guy on the road.

I also assumed my enjoyment would increase as I rode better. I recall thinking how amazing it would be to average 10 mph, while never actually believing it would happen.

Currently I ride better, faster, and farther than ever, always significantly beyond my “impossible” 10 mph barrier. However, contrary to my assumption, the fun hasn’t increased along with the speed. Cycling these days has become increasingly frustrating.

What happened? The FREEDOM TOUR happened, and suddenly I was part of this amazing community. I saw all the fun my friends had riding together and realized I couldn’t ever join them because I’m just too slow.

In my mind I’m no longer “the guy who rides his handcycle lots of miles.” I became “the guy who rides slower than everyone else.”

Comparison.

The biking that once brought so much joy and such a sense of freedom has become annoying and unsatisfying. Now it’s something I do more because I should, because it’s good for me. But I’m much too focused on lack of speed, on “too slow.” I can’t seem to let go of comparing.

I’m not asking for sympathy. I tell you this because I suspect you might be trying to give something away as well. Perhaps it’s comparing, perhaps something else, but you might be struggling to give something away. Maybe we can be in the struggle together.

Obviously, I don’t have the answers. I’ll share what I know.

Don’t give up. I’ll keep riding, and I’ll keep trying to recapture the lost joy.

Talk to God. I don’t believe I can accomplish this through self-discipline. God and I need to keep talking.

Think long-term. Cycling, like most important aspects of life, is a long-term training thing. Each daily ride is part of a much bigger story that’s about a lot more than how fast I pedal my bike.

I know Jesus would be delighted to take this burden of comparing, just as He would love to take whatever burden you’re clinging to.

Your thoughts?