I recall the first time I encountered the idea that love is a decision rather than a feeling. I didn’t like the notion of removing the romance and mystery from “falling in love.”
As anyone who has ever experienced that fall will testify, I suspect there’s little chance of altering the delightful, unpredictable confusion of eros. And I’ve come to believe that there’s no black-and-white dividing line between the feeling and decision of love. My wife and I are “in love,” but I’m eternally grateful that my wife has decided to love me even on those frequent occasions when my behavior doesn’t advance her sentimental, romantic feelings toward me.
Agape certainly incorporates feelings as well as choices. When I decide to love another person unconditionally, I experience an entire range of feelings. But I notice that those feelings tend to be different, less chaotic, and possibly more mature than the wonderfully uncontrollable emotions of erotic love.
That’s an important distinction when describing the sort of love demonstrated by the characters of Relentless Grace. Agape doesn’t always feel good, especially in the short term. When we decide to love others self-sacrificially, we will inevitably encounter folks who return our kindness with bitterness. That’s clearly the experience of the amazing characters in my story.
Agape is more of a character trait than a feeling. We choose to love, just as we choose to be honest or truthful, because it’s the right thing to do. These characters loved an unlovable person with no expectation that their kindness would be reciprocated, without any certainty that I’d ever understand or respond to their actions.
We choose to drop a pebble into the pond and allow its impact to ripple away from us. Agape trusts that the cumulative effects of those small ripples impact the world in powerful, positive ways, even when we often don’t see the eventual results. Agape doesn’t seek to fix people. It simply accepts them wherever they are.
Agape is an act of wisdom, courage, and maturity that seeks something greater than personal satisfaction. I suspect it’s the ultimate manifestation of the abundant life for which we were created.
“Now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:13)
Question: What are your thoughts about love as a character trait?
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