Different Shoes

Josh* described growing up as a rebel.

Dad wasn’t around, mom worked two jobs to keep food on the table, so Josh was pretty much on his own. In high school there was drinking and drugs and legal trouble. Now he’s in his early thirties. Never had a driver’s license. Weeps openly about how much he disappointed his mother.

He’s working hard to turn things around. I’ve known Josh for almost a year and it’s hard to recognize him as the same man. He speaks to his mom twice per week and knows she’s proud of his efforts. But he struggles to lay down the burden of guilt.

I listen. I try to understand. But I can’t know just how he feels.

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We’re all inclined to assume others see the world as we see it. So when they make choices that seem irrational, we assume they lack persistence, morals or values.

Much more likely they’re seeing from a different perspective.

We can:

Ignore it and continue marginalize or eliminate those who don’t see what we see.

Choose empathy. Listen and try to understand what the other person sees and feels. It’s not sympathy and it’s not making excuses. It’s trying to walk a bit in their shoes.

Empathy doesn’t mean agreement. We’ve developed this weird notion that understanding differing worldviews means we agree with them. The only way to mend broken relationships is to invest the time it takes to truly understand the other’s perspective.

You and I likely can’t imagine making some of the choices my friend Josh made. Looking back, he can’t imagine it either because he’s living in a different world.

But at the time, his choices made sense. We’re free to dismiss that as crazy, but we’re refusing to see the world he viewed. And here’s why that matters.

Millions of kids grow up perceiving the same world, which means they’re likely to make many of the same harmful decisions. We can keep trapping them in failing schools, abandoning them to streets ruled by gangs, and waiting for their inevitable involvement with the criminal justice system.

And then we can try to fix them.

A few, like Josh, will make it by God’s grace. The vast majority won’t.

Or we can try to understand what it’s like to walk in the other guy’s shoes.

(First published in 2015)