You can’t. You can’t decide how other people think or act.
Do you agree?
I’m working on some stuff for a group of kids who asked me to talk to them about leadership. Their question: “We’re supposed to be leaders. How can we stop bullying behavior in school?”
My honest answer, sadly, is that they can’t. But that doesn’t mean they’re powerless. They can have a lot of influence, but not in the way they’re thinking.
Everyone thinks about changing the world. Few people think of changing themselves.
I think it’s a simple truth that’s not very easy to implement.
Role Play
Let’s pretend we’re a kid (let’s call him Rich) who observes some sort of bullying behavior. That’s oval 1.
Rich didn’t choose that behavior and he’s not responsible for it. He is, however, completely responsible for how he responds.
First reality: you cannot choose, control, or be responsible for another person’s behavior.
Oval 2 is Rich’s main point of control. Only Rich determines how he interprets the behavior he just witnessed. Some possibilities:
- Rich may choose to react to fear. He thinks he can’t do anything or he has to avoid negative consequences. He’ll say it’s really none of his business.
- Rich might choose anger. He feels self-righteous and superior. He lashes out, perhaps yelling insults and put-downs. Maybe he feels offended and indignant. That guy’s an idiot. What a loser. How can he be that stupid?
- Rich could choose to respond to the behavior without judging the person. He knows he’s seeing something that’s wrong, and asks himself how best to change the situation.
Second reality: you choose how you interpret events. Those interpretations directly impact your feelings, thoughts, and words.
Now we reach Oval 3, where Rich’s behavior demonstrates his feelings and thoughts. Technically he can still choose his actions at this step, but it’s tough to counteract the frame of reference created in step 2.
- If he chooses fear, he’ll likely turn his back or run away.
- Disrespect or anger might lead to dismissal or gossip, or he may fight verbally or physically.
- If Rich chooses the third route, he’s free to problem-solve. Can I stop the behavior myself? Do I need to find an adult? He chooses the most effective action, the best intervention based on what he believes is right.
Third reality: your choice of internal interpretation frames your behaviors.
Now we’re in oval 4, where others see Rich’s response. And this gets tricky, because he has no control over how his actions will impact another’s behavior.
Fourth reality: you determine your interpretations and behaviors. You don’t decide how they will respond.
But…
How does that help? What if the other person continues or repeats the bullying behavior?
Difficult truth: Rich controls steps 2&3. He absolutely cannot control steps 1&4.
Rich can only think, say, and do what he believes to be the right thing. And if he’s an effective leader he may inspire others to follow.
Or not.
That’s Rich’s only option, unless he chooses to force someone else to change through physical or emotional violence. But there’s a problem…
…the goal was to stop bullying, not to become a more powerful bully.
I think it’s really that simple. Not easy, but simple.
What’s your take? What have I missed?
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