How To Help Without Hurting

What are your important anniversaries?

Birthdays, weddings, holidays—we all keep significant dates tucked away as reminders of important milestones and events. Many anniversaries prompt celebrations and warm memories, but some recall events of sorrow and tragedy.

This week marks the remembrance of Pearl Harbor Day—December 7, 1941, “a date which will live in infamy.” When I tell the story of Relentless Grace, I inevitably recall my personal “date of infamy”—December 5, 1987.

Twenty-two years mitigates difficult memories and offers a measure of perspective. But as the date passed this weekend I was reminded that the holiday season isn’t all about colored lights and smiles for everyone. You may know someone (maybe it’s you) for whom Christmas is a reminder of pain and loss.

What do you say when someone’s hurting in the midst of festivity? I thought of some hurtful things people have said in a misguided attempt to console.

It’s God’s plan. I don’t claim inside knowledge of God’s intentions, but I absolutely do not believe that my injury was God’s idea. He doesn’t cause cancer or tragic accidents—that’s simply not His character. I’ve written about God’s Role In Tragedy.

When you’ve suffered a loss, when you’re in pain and terrified, it doesn’t help to blame God. It does help to run to Him, fall into His arms, and trust that He’ll meet your needs when you can’t see how to even take your next breath.

God will use it for good. I absolutely believe this (Romans 8:28). I also believe that it doesn’t help much in the middle of the storm. A child dies, a spouse has leukemia—those aren’t the moments to assure folks that God will redeem the pain.

God wants your faith to get stronger. I also believe this, but a hurting person hears, “If you had more faith, this tragedy wouldn’t have happened.”

That sounds like punishment—not a helpful message while the storm’s raging.

So what does help?

It sounds too simple, but what really helps is your loving presence. You can’t fix it with platitudes, but you can be “Jesus in a t-shirt and tennis shoes” to someone who desperately needs to feel His presence.

In my experience, the most helpful thing anyone said to me was a reminder that Jesus walks with me. She simply said, “Rich, when you fell, Jesus wept.”

The image of Christ beside me, feeling my pain and fear, wishing more than anything for a way out, was a powerful source of comfort for me.

Who do you know that will experience painful memories during this holiday season? How can you help?